Monday, September 14, 2009

Fear Itself

It seems to be getting harder and harder for me to find time to update this blog. The thing with that is I like to update my blog, it provides me with 10-15 minutes of time for myself. Better yet is that I am starting to gauge my "wellness" by the number of blogs I post in a is therapeutic in nature to let all my frustrations bleed out through my fingertips.

So, let the therapy begin!

I'm not going to lie, it has been a particularly hard year to date for me, for all of us on Podtburg Circle. Having Aliza in January and dealing with Ava's health issues and med changes has taken a toll on me. I can not remember the last time I slept more than 3 hours at once, had 1 hour of quality alone time or a trip to the mail box that didn't include some type of medical bill, explanation of benefits or other reminder of the inevitable at our house.

Then there is public pre-school. I can't believe what a loop it has thrown me for. It has taken a bit of time for me to identify the stress it placed on me but it is much like my initial feelings when Ava first got sick. I think it is hard for folks with "typical" children to understand the perpetual cycle of grief you enter once you know your child's life will not and does not look like you expected. Normally when we grieve loss, it is GONE, not just the idea of it.

I think the very fear which has disseminated and strained many relationships in our lives is knocking on my own door. I keep thinking, what are you scared of girl? Put your big girl panties on and deal with it. After all, it is only pre-school.

Then FDR echoes through my mind..."The only thing we have to fear is fear itself"

So, what is it I am fearing? Currently I think the fact that most folks relate to my daughter as different. Not just different though, SCARY different. The kind you want to pity, whisper about to the person standing next to you, turn and run from because you don't understand it or know how else to deal with it. The kind I have been able to shelter her from. The fear itself good 'ole FDR was referring to.

The real kicker is that deep down, I know these are the same fears that folks we have distanced ourselves from in our family and circle of friends experience. Then I think, Amanda, you know how fabulous Ava is. You know how smart, beautiful, funny and REAL she is. You know that she is going to persevere and she is just as much typical as the next kid. It is all the OTHERS whom don't yet know this. This is NOT your first rodeo.

For now, I find peace with the fact that it is the others, not us. Although I can't change that I have finally learned that I am in control of one thing everyday and that is the attitude I decide to take the world on with.

So, if you have been thinking, that girl has finally gone crazy, you should know it is a very short drive for me to get there. Also, thank you to those who have put up with me lately ;) Know that I hope to move past this soon! Expect an update on the girls shortly.


1 comment:

Krista :) said...

The brave are not those who are never afraid; they are the ones who, scared half outta their minds, pick themselves up when it'd be easier to stay down & continue the journey, day by day, step by step, and moment by moment. You are one of the most courageous people I know, Taz, and more of an inspiration than you realize.