Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Reflections of the Journey

"In a gentle way, you can shake the world." -Mahatma Gandhi
It’s been another lengthy summer for this girl. I can smell fall today and I am searching desperately for my “ahhh” moment, trying to catch any kind of hiatus to be found. Unfortunately life goes on as do my responsibilities, life annoyances and the relentless beast of CDKL5. We are in a different and welcomed period of wean/withdrawal/growth and it has left me with very little sleep and a very busy brain. In these parenting moments I find my jar of honey dangerously low. It’s hard to catch many flies with inadequate supplies and those scoundrels haven’t stopped buzzing around.
Having children is a production, not a reproduction, and one of a vastly different nature than I’d expected. I know, expectations are the root of most disappointment and I’m accepting and adjusting to that truth daily. The humdinger is that a great deal of the world just isn’t willing to accept this particular reality. Some days I am not as ready as I hope to be.

The idea of a reliable village makes me drool as there are many days I feel like we live on a deserted island. As Ava grows both physically and intellectually, caregivers are harder to come by. She’s getting heavy, active and opinionated. Yes, all good things but they do come with a price. Some days it’s my sanity. So it goes with the typical kiddo too, the sanity thing anyway.
Random couriers with medical supplies I didn’t order, a very curious and busy 4-year old, snapping turtle in the backyard and continued collection calls (at least 2-years now) for my in-laws are things I should be able to handle with a super cool temperament. I mean Frigid. I’ve conquered many unexpected courses and realize I really do have much bigger fish to fry…still some days my compass points me in an entirely shocking direction.
Ava is a natural reflection of the world around her; all the light and darkness which encompasses it can often be found on the faces of those she meets. Some for the first time, some that just can’t accept the lack of control we hold as humans. When people interact with her their fears, stigmas, unconditional love, courage, and vulnerabilities radiate. She has proved to me that most often there is no need for words to express what any given soul carries, that humans have a peculiar capacity to miscalculate what living truly means.
What a beautiful gift.
In light of her perfection; I’m still working on myself, my parenting, my acceptance. If only I could learn a thing or two from Ava I might be a bit further down the road.
And as we wind on down the road
Our shadows taller than our soul.
There walks a lady we all know
Who shines white light and wants to show
How everything still turns to gold.
And if you listen very hard
The tune will come to you at last….
I’ve missed emptying my luggage at the circle, patiently awaiting the sound of my tune and striving for gentle encounters. Cheers, friends!

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