Monday, August 02, 2010

Misfit

“The problem is not that there are problems. The problem is expecting otherwise and thinking that having problems is a problem.” ~Theodore Rubin

My entire life I have felt somewhat of a misfit. As I continue to age, better than fine wine I might add, I can identify many reasons for this; bastard child in a small town full of judgment, big heart but even bigger mouth, free spirit more willing to celebrate the lessons in a loss than hang on to the agony of defeat, only child raised amongst adults, this list could go on and on and on. Good god, I am an accountant.

Anyways, misfit seems appropriate for the parent I’ve come to be. But, I am not bitter about this…no, no, no! I am who I am because of this. It is the rest of the world that does not embrace it ;)

Yes, it has made me an extremely strong woman, ready for my world (I once thought) with an idea of faith that is much different than many. For a moment, I must confess that I felt that faith shaken this week. I felt I was a misfit amongst even fewer misfits.

Only for a smidgen though. For a couple of different reasons, I suspect.

The first has to do with the choice my wise friends choose, Alison Krauss’ acappella version of Down in the River to Pray, to welcome us to the celebration of Samantha’s life. As the music began, the entire service was suddenly silenced.

I honestly felt like I was waiting for sweet Jesus himself to appear and that is no small feat. I think a few others might have been taken back by the spirituality it allowed everyone (a potential evangelical Church full of misfits) to find in that moment, at that place. I have never experienced a more beautiful, spiritual memorial and probably never will again.

In the midst of all these atrocious emotions I’ve become comfortable with feeling and living on a fairly customary basis, I was reminded that there is really nothing that we get to choose about our lives; at least the really important parts of our lives. I was reminded to just be. I was reminded that it is ever so wise to seize the moment, Carpe Diem my friends.

I can not imagine what my friend, my motherhood soul mate in the eternal coping & grieving of our children, is going through as she has both celebrated and started to grieve the tragic end of her sweet, beautiful girl. I have not pretended to have the capacity to empathize how it must feel. I have fought the urge to feel my own guilt regarding the relief I feel as both a survivor of some sort and a witness to the peace that everyone, at least eventually, will find.

I also am coping with the thought of my life without Heather & Sammer pushing me to advocate, educate and celebrate even the stickiest of things. Who will be my motivation and inspiration? I know that I am strong, some days maybe too strong. Being Heather’s wing-man gave me other commitments, things to do, people to see and places to escape my own hell while helping others from theirs. Grief Dancers are aware that being strong does not save you from yourself.

Misfit is as misfit does, I guess.

I know that we will evolve; yes I have faith in that. I suspect that Heather and Aliza have much more to explore than I can imagine. Two very savvy girls with a lot of very important life experiences in common are sure to stir up some mischief.

Everyday is a new beginning. No matter what, I will always have the memories and they are good. Good enough to get me through my day.

"No one knows whether death is really the greatest blessing a man can have, but they fear it is the greatest curse, as if they knew well." ~Plato

2 comments:

ferfischer said...

Oh gosh, I hardly think of you as a misfit! If you are then I am too, and that, by definition, doesn't make us misfits! I do wish we all lived closer, but I think we'll find our way!

Deana said...

I'm glad we' have each other...misfits or not...trying to figure out this life together.

That song is one I have found myself humming over the years, anytime I'm feeling especially low...so it was a special moment to hear it the other day. It really was so beautiful.